by Andrew Cohn

Should a man be expected to hold the door for a woman in a business setting? 

Are men expected to help women colleagues carry heavy bags? 

Should the age and professional role/level of the person affect our expectations? 

Many men and women have told me that these apparently “mundane” issues are the most frustrating workplace issues to handle. Who wants to think (or avoid thinking) about gender-related expectations when we all have work to do? But when colleagues answer these questions differently, they experience repercussions: namely interpersonal discomfort, misunderstanding intentions, and sometimes even a lack of trust.

Understanding what our colleagues want or expect can be harder than understanding the same about our clients. Think about how we talk with each other about our clients: we talk about what we think they want from us, what we think their preferences are, how they like to be treated in certain situations, etc. But, in my experience, we are much less likely to have similar conversations inside our own firms.

Recently, a female coaching client shared an example of one of these issues, and I was struck by the impact it might make upon her relationships and her credibility as a partner in her firm. She said that she always expects a man to sit at the head of the conference room table at meetings with her colleagues. And she acknowledged that it’s so automatic that it would feel uncomfortable for her to take that “power position,” particularly in a large meeting, especially if the men in the meeting are older than she is.

What might be the impact of her expectation? Perhaps the older men (and older women) in the meeting view her as being respectful. But maybe others view her as lacking confidence. Alternate perceptions could exist as well. Different people—by virtue of their gender, age, culture and other aspects of their upbringing and life experience—bring different expectations and, accordingly, varying interpretations of our actions.

So how can we talk about these issues—directly and respectfully?  Here are a few suggestions I have seen work well:

1. Be clear about the purpose of the conversation—to understand each other’s expectations so that people can work better together. 
   The goal is not necessarily to agree on everything. In the above example, my client’s partners might encourage her to feel free to take the seat at the head of the table, or if they are a generation older than she is, they might appreciate the deference to their age and experience. But her younger colleagues may not be aware of these dynamics or the values demonstrated by her deference. The purpose of the conversation is to make these values and expectations explicit so as to minimize misinterpretation.
2. Listen first. 
   You know your point of view already. A primary objective of the conversation is to learn about someone else’s. And you have to listen to do that.
3. Be patient. 
   In most firms, these are not everyday conversations, so devote a few minutes to them. I know it’s not billable time, but it’s important. It’s the “real” day-to-day interactions and experiences that can considerably impact our experience at work. See this as an investment of time that will build understanding of what makes people “tick” and how your group can work more effectively together. [Many people even find it interesting!]
4. Acknowledge people.
   Because people don’t typically talk about issues that might involve expression of their values and assumptions, it’s a good idea to thank people for their participation. Acknowledgement is a form of respect that promotes ongoing, open communication.
5. Be clear about what you’ll do now.
   Maybe you will agree to hold open the door for a colleague, or let someone put your bag in the overhead compartment for you. Or maybe there is no agreement to change any behavior as a result of the conversation. Either way, there will be a greater understanding of what your colleagues value and prefer.

In any case, conclude with a summary of what you’ve learned and what (if anything) you will do differently.

I have seen these conversations work best in closed-door offices or conference rooms, when people know they will not be interrupted or overheard by others not part of the conversation. This could be part of a scheduled meeting (such as, preparing for a social event with a client or a shared business trip) or as needed or wanted by a colleague.

Bringing awareness to assumptions and expectations that impact the way women and men work together will make us more effective in our firms and in our client service. It doesn’t take long and it can yield great results.

What do you think? How have you talked about these issues in your firms? How did the conversation change your expectations? How did it change your behavior? I look forward to hearing about your thoughts and experiences. In fact, I suspect I’ll learn something from them.