I am getting overwrought with the discussions about “Can women have it all?” and “How can women have work-life balance?” The quest for the magic gauntlet, an answer to life’s buffet table for those of us with plenty, is an exercise fraught with more frustrations than solutions. Once, as I took a breath preparing to share my opinions on this topic to a group of twenty- and thirty-somethings, my co-panelist from this generation halted me in mid-opening syllable: “Karen,” she said with respect, “I am sorry to interrupt you, but I need to ask a favor before you begin.” Intrigued, I was open to the request. “So often, when women of your generation (a reference to the fact that I am openly and comfortably in my 60s) talk on this topic, they respond with, ‘Of course you can have it all, just not at the same time. You can have it all over the span of your career.’ We’ve heard this. Can you please add a new perspective?” I smiled as the faces of so many of my peers flashed before me. We have tangled with this request from the up-and-comers frequently. It is with passion, empathy and great respect that I share my thoughts:
There is no GREAT ANSWER to the question about how to have it all, and we (women and men) should just stop asking it. The role models that attempt to address the query set us up to believe that a solution exists when it truly does not. What does exist is a life-long process that confronts all adults. This process is often painful, frustrating and unsatisfying, yet it is reality: we must examine our values, identify what is important to us at that particular period, and choose among a multitude of elements, knowing that when we say, “yes” to one thing, we are saying “no” to many other possibilities.
A brilliant young lawyer with whom I work is at this wall right now. She has recently discovered that she is a natural rainmaker—one capable of setting business development records. Exciting, right? In many ways, yes. However, to actualize this potential and the economic riches this can bring to her family, she must spend time talking to potential clients and connectors, managing many legal teams and sustaining her relationships. Even if done with masterful efficiency, pursuing “elite rainmaker status” (just like training to become an Olympic athlete) requires her time and attention. Her husband is very proud of her and a terrific, supportive partner, yet, he would rather the family have less money and more of her. She feels stuck, not by his desires, but by her own wants. She loves her family and is excited about her newly-found potential—a crisis of choices.
Rather than confront the conundrum in a dualistic fashion (I can have one or the other—plenty of money or my family), she and her husband are going to wander through another kind of fifty shades of grey. They will explore all the different permutations between all and nothing: less money—how much less? Less family time—what might this look like? Build an extensive business development team—how and where? Pursue rainmaking intensely for a short period of time and see what happens? And the extreme and usually unspeakable that must be included in the mix: are her goals and her husband’s goals no longer compatible? Believe me, there are many, many more items on this buffet table to be considered and I will support her in her exploration of them. However, here is the point that I want to share: being an adult requires making the tough choices. There is no successful woman or man who has not treaded water in the riptide of choices, sometimes not even realizing that they made a choice, such as “automatically” accepting becoming an equity partner without asking, “Is this what I really want?”
Here are some suggestions for those tough times when difficult life choices abound:
Get input from people who care about you, as well as objective outsiders.
Consider the expansive ramifications that come from saying “yes” and “no.”
Think creatively. I find the question, “If time and money were not factors, what would I do?” helpful in pushing the bounds of possibilities.
Another question that is helpful, “What CAN I say ‘yes’ to?”
Explore segmenting your choices: Can you pursue one direction for a short time?
Talk to people who have made either choice to learn about their experiences.
Remember, YOU are the one who ultimately must live with your decision, so you must make the final choice, not anyone else.
Place a time limit on contemplation. Not making a final decision actually is a decision; one to maintain the status quo.
Live with your choice for a while to make sure it fits for you. You can even do this in your imagination by playing out scenarios and examining how you feel with the choice you envision.
THERE IS NO PERFECT DECISION, just the best one that you are capable of making at the time.
Periodically, maybe annually, look back over your choices and make sure they still fit your current life circumstances, values and philosophies. Pursuing new directions is available to you as long as you have creativity and courage. Explore, embrace and move forward.