by Karen Kahn

“I’m so frustrated,” she said during a coaching session, “My absolute best friend just became General Counsel of a Fortune 500 company. Can you imagine how much work she could potentially give to me? But, I can’t talk to her about her job, that wouldn’t be appropriate and I would never want to take advantage of our friendship!”

What makes friendship strong? The ongoing give and take between people. I’m there for her, she’s there for me. The strength of bonds with our friends are profound; expand this connection to include helping each other with business and the magnitude (and fun) of the relationship will grow even further. While women typically feel a taboo against speaking with their friends about business most intensely, some men experience this as well. The loss in approaching this topic is profound, especially, it prohibits individuals who want the best for each other from leveraging an important area of their lives. Introductions, opportunities, ideas, resources and support that could benefit each friend aren’t explored. Celebrations for new achievements are denied. Adding business chat into friendship increases the domains for mutual discovery and assistance.

After timidly adding business conversations into the mix of discussions with my women friends I learned how exciting it is to help people for whom I most cheer. In fact, we are having a “Girl’s Night” at a local establishment today. All connections are welcome. I happily recommend you stepping into the fray. Here are some tips to ensure that adding the “business ingredient” stays consistent with and sensitive to the special, emotional joy that friends bring into our lives:

1. Ask permission to talk about business before jumping in. Some people want a respite from the office. Asking before leaping makes sure that unwanted contamination doesn’t occur. Try this: “We talk about everything but I have no idea what you really do at work. Maybe there are ways I could help you (people I know that might be helpful). I would love to know more about what you do.” If you receive any indication that your friend wants to cordon off her professional life, respect the boundary (of course).

 

2. Curiosity and questions indicating interest about her (him) keep the conversation from taking a tone of emphasizing what she can give you and your needs. Ask about challenges and/or opportunities that she has. Keep the focus on her until (if) she changes the focus to you.

 

3. If you hear that she (or her company) has a need that might involve legal work offer to assist as opposed to asking to do the work, “I would be happy to help you with that,” or “My firm has a specialist in that area if that would be helpful to you.” This gives her the option of including you without pressure.

 

4. Give, give, give, especially introductions. If she gets on board with the spirit of friends helping each other, great; if she doesn’t, enjoy giving and helping her succeed.

 

5. Make sure that your friend understands what you do. Knowing that you are “a lawyer” isn’t a good enough description, even to many inhouse lawyers. Let your friend know your particular expertise and if there are particular people or industry groups you want to meet. “Right now I am trying to meet as many people as I can who are vendors to the auto industry.”

 

6. If your friend is open to helping you, let her know how you advance (introductions directly to you, not just anyone at the firm; origination credit is important).

 

7. It is OK to ask if she can help you obtain work from her company either directly giving you work or introducing you to key people. It is better to ask her and let her know that if she is uncomfortable with this “ask” that this won’t hinder your friendship. I often include, “If you ever have any ideas about ways I can bring in business I am wide open.” This may allow her to give something (an idea or introduction) in which she is more comfortable.

Given the sensitivity of this topic to so many of us, hearing about your experiences including business into your friendships will help others. Please share below.