The next topic in our series exploring hurdles in the success path of diverse lawyers is personalization. Personalization is by no means a challenge unique to any ethnic group or gender; it is an equal opportunity derailer. However, when compounded by the isolation, burden of success and anxiety inherent for minorities operating in a majority environment, the effect of taking things personally is magnified and can often be career limiting
Last year I was invited to attend an exclusive networking luncheon hosted by a well-known lawyer in a nice Beverly Hills restaurant. I arrived early due to my desire to elude the notorious traffic devil we Los Angelenos love to complain about. Upon arrival I checked in with the hostess to communicate my presence. The hostess looked up then responded, “Oh okay, you’re here to set up?” As a person of color, this is not an unusual experience, even in Los Angeles, one of the liberal pillars of the U.S. I sighed deeply and responded, “Nooo, I am here to attend the lunch.” She quickly realized her error and assumption, then offered me a seat at the bar and a drink.
Another reaction to the same kind of error and assumption follows. An African American partner at a local firm recently shared a similar story with me, except the recipient was an African American male partner in a law firm who was denied access to his firm’s event. He completely lost his composure and was allowed access after raising his voice and using foul language, which was observed by his peers. Unfortunately his loss of professionalism under stress caused a breach of comfort and confidence in him that was irreversible. He eventually had to leave the firm and restart his career elsewhere.
The difference between these two scenarios is personalization. I was able to side-step the trap of taking it personally; unfortunately he could not find the capacity to do the same. We all have different triggers that challenge our capacity to manage ourselves in the moment.
What is Personalization and What is Its Impact?
Personalization is a shift of attention from what actually happened to how we FEEL about what happened. It can be recognized by the experience of anger, frustration or resentment that occurs when a triggering event happens. If we feel upset, then we are taking it personally.
This is not a suggestion to stop feeling angry, helpless, upset or any other emotion. Occasionally, harm is intended and the resulting feelings are justified. Not taking things personally is not about denying or controlling our feelings. Avoiding personalization is about controlling our reactions to the feelings. Bottom-line, when feelings drive actions, the behavior that follows is detrimental to one’s best interests.
Personalization: Take Back Your Power
Following are several ideas to move across the continuum from overrun by feelings to powerful, self-serving behaviors.
Embrace Reality — The first step to gain power in the event of personalization is very simple. Admit to yourself “I’m taking this personally.” Acceptance is more powerful than denial! The focus is shifted from what’s out of your control (behavior of others) to what you absolutely control (your own behavior).
Stop, Look, Question —Take a moment immediately following a triggering event to ask yourself, “What was said or done that caused upset? How did I feel then and now? Is there any other possible explanation for what happened?” Often a triggering event is most reflective of the other person or their perspective and has little to do with you. Remember, like movie reviews there are many often-divergent opinions about the same picture. There is no universal truth.
Build Awareness — Begin to build a self-awareness bank of your sensitive areas and most likely triggering events. Being aware of triggers helps empower us to recognize, prepare for and manage them.
Default to Curiosity — A manageable default for behavior is to seek understanding. For the male partner of color mentioned above, a question such as “What leads you to assume I don’t belong with this group?” could have avoided the career-ending reaction he initiated. The advice, “Seek to understand, then to be understood,” from Steven Covey works magic in many situations.
What You Want and How You Want to Show Up — Gaining an alternative perspective is a giant step in a productive direction. Pausing for a deep breath or counting to ten provides time to reflect on what’s most important to you in the moment. Remind yourself of your objective. Visualize how you want to be perceived now.
All of the actions offered above are intended as alternatives to taking it personally. The ability to maintain focus on what’s really important, strategize and act in our best interest under pressure is a critical element along the path to success.