by Karen Kahn

A few weeks ago, a leader of a large law firm asked me, “What can I do to create a culture where women feel that they belong?” This has got to be one of my favorite questions of all times, for a few reasons: first, it recognizes a problem that few leaders have been willing to voice; second, it captures a little discussed reason why many women leave traditional law firms—despite initiatives focused on “inclusion,” great numbers of women lawyers, similar to diverse attorneys, feel like outsiders. This is an experience that causes stress and an overall lack of fulfillment; “It’s just not worth it,” many women have been quoted as saying.

During a conversation with a midlevel woman associate, she shared a description of one of her “favorite days at her firm”: “It was snowing really hard, she said, “and most of the partners were leaving. A few of us couldn’t leave, we had major deadlines looming and needed resources at the office to complete the work. The snow was so beautiful, so I decided to bring my computer into a conference room with huge windows to work and admire. One of my friends saw what I had done and joined me with her work. A few hours later five of us were there. We were all doing our own work, sometimes talking on the phone, sometimes focused on the computer. We talked very little to each other, but there was something about all of us working in the same room that was very comforting and even motivating. We were all there together weathering the storm and weathering the demands of being an associate. It was the best!” Clearly, on that day, several women (and truth be told, a few men) belonged.

As a psychologist, I am drawn to pause from the practical intention of this blog to offer a scientific explanation that is, in part, responsible for women’s gravitational pull to belonging: the preponderance of the chemical oxytocin, known as the bonding and calming chemical, in their (our) system. Researchers have discovered low levels of oxytocin in women’s systems during stressful times. Women, what do you often do when you feel stress? Many of us seek connection with others, whether it is calling a friend, stopping by a colleague’s office or even going to the closest coffee shop for a quick shot of conversation with the barista. Contact causes our oxytocin levels to rise; increased levels of oxytocin decrease stress in women.

Here is the punch line: the architectural designs of most law firms abound with individual offices and few collaborative work spaces and are thus cut off from easy connection with others. This stymies the relational needs of many women, and some millennial men as well. Therefore, in such law firms, women do not work in a space that supports their preferred style of operating and, as such, may often feel misaligned with the way work tends to flow. Thus, without being able to put their finger on why they feel this way, may feel not in sync, or as if they are outsiders in the firm culture. There are certainly other issues that contribute to feeling excluded; I’ll save those for another blog.

The following suggestions (that can be pursued both by women themselves and those wanting to support women) foster alignment with women’s relational hard-wiring:

1. Discussion groups—book groups, mentoring circles, informal lunches, etc
2. Collaborative work (and play) space inside the firm with encouragement that it be used
3. Team business development initiatives where a group works toward a shared goal
4. Frequently and authentically ask women how they are doing and what’s happening in their lives (personally and professionally) and take a few moments to truly listen
5. Leaders, maintain awareness of the stress levels of the associates, particularly women, with whom you work. Checking in with them, encouraging them and praising their efforts may take a few minutes of your time but will likely increase the quality of their work. It is not recommended that you wait for them to come to you if they are struggling. Make reaching out to them part of your training protocol.
6. Partners, develop a demeanor in which associates feel comfortable sharing their vulnerabilities and stressors. You may have been trained in a model where you feared your senior partners. This might have motivated many of you, yet it is likely not productive now particularly with your female associates.

As you read this post do you find yourself judging the relational style possessed by many women as weak, less than and generally negative in favor of the “suck it up,” do whatever it takes and individually competitive style utilized by many men? If so, you have just experienced “unconscious bias” and a reason why some women don’t feel like they belong.

What are your reactions to these ideas? Please comment below.