by Karen Kahn

Dear Readers,

I hope it is okay that I put this blog in the form of a letter. Since it has a personal focus, a letter felt most appropriate.

Today I received the following e-mail from a 40-something, woman income partner at a large law firm whom I have been coaching for about 6 months:

Hi Karen,

I know we have a call today and I know you don’t like to postpone the calls. But, I feel like I am not putting forth the effort I should be doing in order to really gain all I should be from our calls. The insights and instruction you offer are invaluable. I enjoy our discussions; however, I need to get my act together to fully embrace the process. I am holding myself back and I need to take a little bit of time to sort through it.

Since you are a psychologist and have the appropriate training, I am comfortable in letting you know that this is an incredibly difficult time for me. Not receiving a raise for the past 2 years has been horrific. I know the magic formula to me doing better is working smarter and that is why I hired you. I need to do my homework and embrace the process. I do believe I have doubts at times because it does seem overwhelming and I am not sure I can actually truly see myself being that successful. All of this clearly has nothing to do with you. It is all me and I need to clear myself to see the potential for my success.

So, if you don’t mind, I would like to postpone our call until next week. Apologies for the stream of conscious email.

It is important that I share this e-mail with you, as I have received six similar ones in the past few months from wonderful, bright, women* who are considered by their firms to be excellent lawyers. They, like many of you, feel vulnerable (will they be eliminated if there is another economic downturn and/or their billable hours are very low?), unappreciated (they have received little to no comp increases), overwhelmed (they work day and night serving others and fear saying “no” to focus on their own work), lost (where do they fit into the profession to which they have dedicated their careers?), unfulfilled (is this all there is?) and angry (the “rules of the game” have changed and the new rules are stacked against me!).

Coming to a career “wall” after many years of work is common for many, if not most, women and men. This emotional time is a signal to review, rethink and refresh; the common metaphor used about this time is being at a crossroads. I am finding such occurrences particularly frequent and profound for attorneys, as not only are they faced with common midcareer questions but the profession itself is also experiencing a jolt to the way it has been economically and structurally configured.

So how do you survive? Great question. I promise to spend a great deal of effort thinking about this in greater detail and will get back to you. But, for the time being, here are some suggestions:

1. Identify someone you trust and with whom you feel totally open; this could be a close friend, a colleague or a coach. Talk with this person often as you reflect on your values, possibilities and directions. Hearing yourself talk out loud and listening to the thoughts and feelings of someone else can provide new perspectives and support.
2. Ask yourself this question: If you were given permission to practice law any way you wanted, what would you do, where would you practice, who would be your clients, what would be the structure of your day? Fight all impulses to let what you think to be “reality” interfere with you articulating your ideal. Spend several days fine-tuning this vision. Then, turn to this question: What would it take to bring some components of my ideal into reality? Fight the response of “it’s impossible.” Talk to as many people as you can about your vision and ways to implement parts of the vision. There are ways to make new directions happen; being open, creative and even nontraditional are the keys.
3. Engage in a self-assessment about your strengths, values, interests and desires; recall and write down dreams and ideas that you had in the past and have currently about what being a lawyer means to you; and ask as many people as you can about what keeps them feeling fulfilled. Planning and Action come next, after extensive Contemplation.
4. Stay optimistic. This is a great challenge for many of you, as research reveals that lawyers tend to be pessimistic thinkers. Use the mantra: It’s not “CAN I make this happen?” but “HOW can I make what I want happen?”

If you, or someone you know, is experiencing this very tough emotional wall, please let me know. Hearing stories expands my understanding of “the wall” and will lead me to creating ways to help. It takes a village to make change happen. I am positive that women joining together to find new ways to practice law will bridge the gulf of isolation that brings so many of you down. Supporting each other though professional, personal and business challenges will put bricks in the wall and bring each woman closer to success in whatever way she defines it.

*Men, please excuse the woman focus of this note. I know the thoughts included apply to many of you too. I would love to hear from you as well!