by Andi Groomes

Today, I was speaking with a women partner who is an attorney coaching client. We were debriefing her coaching homework for the week, which focused on asking her partner/mentor to make good on his promise to invest in her attendance at a crucial industry [legal] conference.  He hadn’t followed through, and she admitted that she now was a little scared to ask.

She was assuming that her mentor was being bombarded with similar requests from other associates and partners due the pressure presented by the firm’s new performance assessment.  Although he had promised to support her professional development interest, over the last few months he continued to send only top, long-time rainmakers to the conference.  As a result of relationships she developed, my client has a track record of originating new clients although, in a practice area other than the one her mentor directs. Now she is concerned about the politics of confronting him.

As women, we often hear lots of “noise” in our head when it’s time to ask for what we want.  You heard her noise… And we’ve all experienced plenty of other good reasons for not asking.  The voices say things like, “They don’t have the budget right now…” or “Asking will make them/me uncomfortable…” or “They are really busy with more important matters; can’t disturb them now…” or “I might risk making them mad, this a political mistake…” etc. etc. etc.

Notice, that many reasons have everything to do with “them” and little to do with us.  From childhood, women are often socialized to be, among other things, care takers AND this can be good, unless sit gets in the way of getting what we want and deserve.  As a woman, I suggest we begin to develop the art of the ask:

• Learn to take care of ourselves thereby placing ourselves in a better position to take care of others.  (Thanks Gloria Feldt author of No Excuses for this concept)
• Turn down the volume on the “noise” that clutters our minds when its time to ask… success starts with awareness of the noise.
• Routinely document your value and successes; even if its only 10-15 minutes per day; small ones count.  Ask a trusted friend or coach if you need help.  This builds confidence.
• Don’t allow yourself to feel sorry. Send the apology gremlin on an extended vacation so we can stop apologizing our way out of a successful asks.  “I’m sorry to bother you, but…” (Thanks to Mika Brzezinski author of Knowing Your Value for this imperative)
• Be self focused. Take a page from the boy’s playbook and stop worrying about them… They can handle it!
• Practice your ASK out loud. Remember, stand tall, make sustained eye contact, pace yourself for a steady voice, and be direct.

Let me know how you do with your next big ASK.