At Threshold we talk about the need to create sustained, value-based relationships with your “whos,” those people who can help you to reach your professional goals, whether by introducing and connecting you to potential clients, helping you get elected to partnership in your firm, referring business to you, or becoming your client themselves. But, how do you create “value” in a relationship? You do that by being constantly attentive and making consistent efforts to meet the personal and professional needs of the other person. And, how do you know what someone needs? You ASK them intelligent, inquisitive questions and then you deeply LISTEN to their answers.
As lawyers we too often try to dominate conversations, confident that others are hanging on our every word and want to know our opinions. But, if you want to successfully build the relationships that you need in order to be successful in your career, you need to “talk” less and “listen” more, “tell” less and “ask” more, and, finally, make sure that your conversations are centered not around “you,” but around “them.”
Curiosity and an authentic attitude of helping/giving can be displayed by the kinds of questions you ask a person. One methodology for starting conversations that we often suggest to our clients is represented by the acronym “FORD.” Ask the other person questions about their “Family”; “Occupation”; “Recreation”; and “Dreams.” The easy questions are obvious and we’ve all been asked them many times: “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” are two that come to mind. These generic types of questions are often where you need to start, especially when you do not know someone well. But, when you are fully present and engaged, and are listening deeply and with curiosity to the responses to your initial generic questions, you will naturally be able to ask increasingly specific questions during the course of a conversation that will get you closer to ascertaining a need. If you remember the game “20 Questions,” think about this as your “20 Questions Funnel,” where you begin at the top with generic questions and ask ever more specific questions until a “need” pops out the bottom of the funnel somewhere around that 20th question.
Additionally, if you can ask a deeper, more intelligent question that reflects some preparation on your part, you will likely be able to both impress the person with whom you are speaking as well as to obtain information that is far more intimate and valuable. For example, if you have taken the time to do some research about new regulations impacting the industry that the person with whom you are meeting for the first time works, instead of asking something generic, such as “How long have you worked for your company?” you might ask a question designed to help you to spot legal issues, a question that is more investigative in nature, such as “Have you given any thought to how your company is going to comply with the newly published regulations under Dodd Frank?” Should the person be unaware of the new regulations or not yet begun compliance efforts, you have just demonstrated your knowledge of both the legislation and his/her company, created an awareness of a need; and, finally, may have put yourself in the position to be able to successfully offer to help meet that need.
We can demonstrate that we are actively listening to a person through some fairly basic techniques, such as by nodding our heads, making regular and frequent eye contact, noticing and paying attention to body language and paraphrasing or repeating back to the other person what we have heard. Using these simple techniques will make the person with whom you are speaking feel as if you have heard and understood him/her.
Through asking intelligent questions and deeply listening to the responses, you will build that critical connection to the person with whom you are speaking and will also be able to use what you have learned to create a bridge to the next conversation you want to have with that person. Through making regular, continuous efforts to get to know another more deeply across all areas of that person’s life, constantly listening for needs and searching for ways to help, you will develop an awareness of their needs and will be able to provide value to them in many different ways and ultimately develop relationships of trust that will stand the test of time and enable you to have a robust book of business.