I began a coaching session yesterday with the standard, “So how are you?” Not surprisingly, the partner responded “fine.” Perhaps it is because I have been a psychologist for 40 years, or maybe because I was just curious, I was compelled to say, “No, how are you really?” The lawyer stopped for a second, and asked, “Do you really want to know?” Freeze frame. Did I really want to know? Yes, I did. Is it so surprising that that I really wanted to know how she was doing? I guess so. It seems that we have developed such a “drive by” culture that our opening moments of meeting are so perfunctory that they are meaningless. I want to call for a stop of empty greetings in favor of a return of true connection. My declaration is intended to cover all statements that follow, “hello” with everyone: family, friends, clients and colleagues at least!
When I pursued the above conversation and convinced the woman on the other side of the phone that I truly wanted to know how she was, I learned something fantastic: she had just brought in a piece of business with an individual with whom she had been developing a relationship for two years. She had been pessimistic about the potential economic wins to be gained on the long pathway to cultivating business, but, since feeling that her book of business was in a rut, she was willing to try anything. She tried, she risked, she persisted and she succeeded! Of course I was thrilled for her. But, perhaps more incredible in this story, is that this woman felt it important to keep this huge success within herself and not tell anyone. I asked her about why she hadn’t “broken out in a song of exhalation.” Her response was, “Well, I didn’t want to brag.” I shuddered. Of course she should let the world know about her accomplishment, she worked hard, persevered, too a risk and grabbed a gold ring!
“Did you want to tell anyone?” I asked. “Of course I did,” she reported, “And I wanted to celebrate. But I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad because they haven’t had many business development successes.” “What did you lose by keep this to yourself?” I wondered out loud. “Well, I feel sort of alone and isolated. Telling you at least, allows me to enjoy the success a bit more. In addition, I didn’t think anyone was really interest. Everyone is very busy.”
Here is the punch line of this blog. There is no reason for us to be in the tough business of law alone. The lonely pursuit, for most of us, blocks fulfillment, creativity and, this is key, the potential to expand our careers. We are important sources of knowledge, connection, ideas, resources and support for each other. Getting involved in each other’s lives, (again, to include people in both the personal and professional sectors) through the simplest act of asking, “How are you” and then truly listening and conveying interest, spans isolation, lets us know what the other person needs and opens up the door for deeper, more productive and authentic relationships. Time to take a short pause to find out how people are doing—and let them know that we DO care.
For any of you readers thinking that this blog is too “touchy feely,” let me end with this: relationships are good for business. And by the way, I am fine.
Are you open to hearing the real answer to “How are you?” Would enjoy hearing your response below.